Did you know if you ask your therapist what their diagnosis of you is, they often have a whole work plan for you? It makes sense but I didn’t imagine my therapist having a hefty file of me with notes. That shows she’s a great listener, eh? After going through it, we made a plan for me to take a trip without my partner, amongst other goals. During my EMDR treatment (which lasted no more than 20 sessions), I planned a vacation with two friends, a huge milestone for me.

Whether you share the same relationship anxiety as me or have another fear stopping you from traveling, EMDR might be right for you. In this post, I will be sharing my journey with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) and how it helped me move through life easier. 

My Story (Trigger Warning: SA)

A few years ago, my roommate worked at a mental health clinic, sparking my interest in therapy. I was in a relationship, had a good job, made lifelong friends and yet I didn’t feel good. Those were the only words I could sum up. After a year seeing a therapist I found on Psychology Today, I quickly realized I didn’t just feel bad. I was unsure of myself, I had trouble identifying emotions and I was afraid of vocalizing my needs. One book (through her suggestion) that broke my mind was How to Stop Feeling Like Shit. That was exactly how I was feeling!

After two years, my therapist suggested couples therapy with my partner. I was only 27 years old and I needed a couples therapist!? Maybe it had to do with using every minute of my sessions questioning my partner, wondering what I was doing wrong and how I could be “better”. My couples therapist quickly saw my relationship anxiety was stemming from deeply-imbedded childhood trauma, and past sexual assaults (SAs) and suggested I see an EMDR Therapist. 

Aside from a constant a weight on my chest, intrusive thoughts and a pit in my stomach around my partner, the symptom I found most mind-boggling was my unwillingness to travel without him, let alone leave the house without hyper-fixating on what he was doing. Before starting EMDR, I’d describe it as having no trust in him. I’d soon realize I had no trust in myself. I didn’t trust I would be okay. I didn’t trust I was safe. And I sure as hell didn’t trust that I was more than enough (pretty enough, good enough, lovable enough). Travel was (still is) my true love! I wasn’t myself anymore and the light in my eyes had disappeared. 

I want to preface this post by also saying I eventually ended my relationship with the partner I mention. EMDR and couples therapy granted me the confidence to make that decision. 

Cost

At the time, I had Providence Health Insurance, paid $10/session and had an EMDR session every three weeks. On Psychology Today, you can search by insurance and “sliding scale fee”. In comparison, my couples therapist cost $37/person/session and my individual therapist cost $60/session. You can’t see an individual and EMDR therapist at the same time (it’s the rules). They explained that it would make it more difficult to process. 

Beginning each Session

My sessions were 100% virtual. First, I filled out a questionnaire and identified some core beliefs with my therapist. Luckily, this was easy as I’d been to therapy before. My core beliefs consist of: I am not safe, I am not okay, I don’t matter and I don’t exist. You can find a list of core beliefs and jot some down that ring true to you. 

Each session for me started with identifying an event I wanted to target. Mine ranged from intrusive thoughts like “I imagined my partner cheating on me”. I would then describe the intrusive image I was getting from that such as “he is walking into a room and I see a tall girl”. Then, I would identify where I felt it in my body, such as, “My gut feels disgusting” or “My throat feels tight”. Lastly, I’d choose a core belief I thought was associated to that image. In this case, I often chose “I am not enough”. She’d ask on a scale of 1-10 how I felt that to be true, 10 being I am not enough and 0 being I am enough. For my own tracking and processing, I kept notes of these categories while starting each session. 

Eye Movement

After identifying my core belief and rankings, we would start the session. Since mine was virtual, she’d tell me to think about the triggering event, and then start the screen. A ball would move back and forth and I’d follow with my eyes, letting my brain think the worst case scenario. 

Often, my mind would wander from letting the imagined event play out, to ending up thinking about a time when I was four years old laying in the grass laughing. After what felt like two minutes, the ball would stop moving and my therapist would reappear. She’d ask “What came up?” and the beauty of EMDR is you don’t have to talk about it. Often I would simply say “a childhood event”. She’d say “Okay, go with that..” and the ball would reappear. I’d either land right back on the event or simply feel the body part that was uncomfortable, letting my mind go blank while still following the ball. 

In the first few sessions, I’d end at the same number. But, after about three sessions, when the session would end, that body part would feel light as a feather and I’d rank my core belief at a 6. In fact, the thought would still be there but I felt nearly nothing disturbing about it. Finally, I found something that worked. 

Processing

You know when people enter REM cycle in their sleep and their eyes shift back and forth? That’s because they are processing their day. That’s how I think of EMDR, but processing traumatic events. Or in my case, ordinary events that trigger me (stemming from said traumatic events).

Each session was about three weeks apart, and that is because your mind and body needs time processing the event you were focusing on. In fact, my therapist noted that I may find myself more angry at my partner than ever before. I assume this is because I was grieving (another part of processing). Over time, a weight had lifted off of my chest and I could imagine myself being okay doing things on my own, and detach from my partner. In one of my sessions I imagined me and my partner in a bubble, and me physically separating each other and becoming two bubbles. I realized we are two people. Even though that is an obvious concept, something still feels so true about it that clicked for me and freed me from controlling his every move.

If you are curious of the science behind trauma and eye movement therapy, read The Body Keeps the Score.

Post-EMDR

I can write a book about how EMDR changed my life. Apart from feeling little to no body icks from disturbing memories, I saw huge milestones in my relationship such as the ability to express my emotions, state my needs and validate myself. Interestingly enough it also enabled me to look at candid photos and hear my voice on a recording without having a bad day.

Finally, I booked a trip with friends to Alaska, a bucket list item I was dying to check off. While on the trip, I rarely thought of him nor had intrusive thoughts of betrayal lingering before bed. We’d simply check in and I was able to revert back to focusing on myself and how I was feeling – happy! 

After no more than 20 sessions, I ended ranking at a 0, “I am enough…I am more than enough!” As part of the human experience, I do find some things triggering at times, but I have better tools to work with. And, EMDR is never off the table. I’ve returned to my therapist months apart to target a core belief, and find myself ending at a 0 once again.